dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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