she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
