I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
