My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
