why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
