you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
