Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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