I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
