dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
