Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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