God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
