Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
