My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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