I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
