he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
