mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
