you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
