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I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
