My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
