I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i've created a new STD.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
