you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
