Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize