Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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