No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
