I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Umm I'm too high to move.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
