so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
