I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
