if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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