two words...techno handjob
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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