So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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