I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
