yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
