every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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