I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I believe in your delicious
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
