if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
