if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
