I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
