So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
