i think my tv is drunk
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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