Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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