...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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