i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
