I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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