it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
