How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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