so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
