i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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