Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My pussy is not your playground.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
