we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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