Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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