Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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