His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
