tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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