i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
