i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
