She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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