It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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