Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
