I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
