I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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