We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
