sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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