a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
