They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
