I'm lost and stupid without you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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